birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
