i need an iv and a liver transplant
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
How does one acquire holy water?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
