My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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