So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
