I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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