Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
