believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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