i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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