how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
