I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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