I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
