You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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