I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
