I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
