i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
