Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
