So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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