im about as happy as oj after his trial
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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