now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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