I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
