THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
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