Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
