Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
