A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
