come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
