i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
