I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize