last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
