I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
