are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
