Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
