Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
