Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
