Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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