How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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