Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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