They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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