took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
