Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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