Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I lost the right to judge tonight
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
