I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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