I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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