$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
