I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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