I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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