just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
