I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
