At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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