U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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