'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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