No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
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I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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