I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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