Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
They took my balls.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire