there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
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Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
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The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.