well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
